A penis was a batchookie and a vagina was a coslopus
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Q5 Playboy: You once said all celebrities need to be slapped. Do you include yourself in that lineup?
Handler: I didn’t mean all celebrities need to be slapped, just certain celebrities. Many people working in this industry are, for one reason or another, asking for it. But there are also plenty of respectable, hardworking actors who are just doing their job. I’ll never make fun of Amy Adams, for instance, or Gwyneth Paltrow. They just do what they do and aren’t making a spectacle of themselves. It’s not like I’m going to ridicule somebody just because they’re famous and I have a TV show and I need somebody to joke about. Some people deserve it, and others don’t.
Q6 Playboy: As someone who has repeatedly mocked Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, do you have to be extra careful when you’re out in public?
Handler: Absolutely. If I don’t want to put on underwear because I’m wearing a dress and don’t want you to see the panty lines, I don’t have a choice. I have to wear underwear. If I get caught not wearing underwear, after I’ve made fun of all these girls who flash their hot pocket for the camera, then I’m the asshole. So at least for the time being I own a lot of panties. If necessary, I’ll wear three or four pairs at once just to be safe.
Q7 Playboy: If you were ever to get caught in a public scandal, what do you predict it would be?
Handler: I’d guess a sex tape with somebody controversial, like Verne Troyer or Clay Aiken. I’m not making an announcement or anything; I don’t know either of them yet, so I can’t even hint at when our sex tape will come out. But if I have my druthers, it’ll happen very soon.
Q8 Playboy: You’ve interviewed a lot of C-list celebrities and reality-TV stars. Are you genuinely interested in what they have to say, or is it as grueling to talk with them as it usually appears?
Handler: It’s mostly grueling. Tila Tequila was probably our worst. I had to talk with her for only a few minutes, but I must have dozed off at least a couple of times. She’s as vapid as it gets.
Q9 Playboy: When you were interviewing Lindsay Lohan’s dad about camel balls, was there a moment when you thought, I should’ve gone to college?
Handler: No, not really. Not because of his camel balls, which are a real problem, but because I definitely shouldn’t have gone to college. That would have been a waste of everybody’s time and money. And by not going to college, I’ve become so paranoid and insecure that I’ve overcompensated for it. Sometimes I’ll be talking with my family and something far more sophisticated and intelligent than they ever expected from me will just come flying out of my mouth. They’ll say, “Wait a minute—how do you know where Ghana is?” I’ll be like, “Because I’m paranoid that somebody would ask me and I wouldn’t have an answer.” That’s how my brain works. I don’t want to look dumb, so I’m ready for anything.
Q5 Playboy: You once said all celebrities need to be slapped. Do you include yourself in that lineup?
Handler: I didn’t mean all celebrities need to be slapped, just certain celebrities. Many people working in this industry are, for one reason or another, asking for it. But there are also plenty of respectable, hardworking actors who are just doing their job. I’ll never make fun of Amy Adams, for instance, or Gwyneth Paltrow. They just do what they do and aren’t making a spectacle of themselves. It’s not like I’m going to ridicule somebody just because they’re famous and I have a TV show and I need somebody to joke about. Some people deserve it, and others don’t.
Q6 Playboy: As someone who has repeatedly mocked Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, do you have to be extra careful when you’re out in public?
Handler: Absolutely. If I don’t want to put on underwear because I’m wearing a dress and don’t want you to see the panty lines, I don’t have a choice. I have to wear underwear. If I get caught not wearing underwear, after I’ve made fun of all these girls who flash their hot pocket for the camera, then I’m the asshole. So at least for the time being I own a lot of panties. If necessary, I’ll wear three or four pairs at once just to be safe.
Q7 Playboy: If you were ever to get caught in a public scandal, what do you predict it would be?
Handler: I’d guess a sex tape with somebody controversial, like Verne Troyer or Clay Aiken. I’m not making an announcement or anything; I don’t know either of them yet, so I can’t even hint at when our sex tape will come out. But if I have my druthers, it’ll happen very soon.
Q8 Playboy: You’ve interviewed a lot of C-list celebrities and reality-TV stars. Are you genuinely interested in what they have to say, or is it as grueling to talk with them as it usually appears?
Handler: It’s mostly grueling. Tila Tequila was probably our worst. I had to talk with her for only a few minutes, but I must have dozed off at least a couple of times. She’s as vapid as it gets.
Q9 Playboy: When you were interviewing Lindsay Lohan’s dad about camel balls, was there a moment when you thought, I should’ve gone to college?
Handler: No, not really. Not because of his camel balls, which are a real problem, but because I definitely shouldn’t have gone to college. That would have been a waste of everybody’s time and money. And by not going to college, I’ve become so paranoid and insecure that I’ve overcompensated for it. Sometimes I’ll be talking with my family and something far more sophisticated and intelligent than they ever expected from me will just come flying out of my mouth. They’ll say, “Wait a minute—how do you know where Ghana is?” I’ll be like, “Because I’m paranoid that somebody would ask me and I wouldn’t have an answer.” That’s how my brain works. I don’t want to look dumb, so I’m ready for anything.
