E!'s sexy talk-show queen mouths off about her worst guest, tells how tabloids pollute her mind, explains why she says "coslopus" instead of "vagina" and reveals the ugly side of sex with a redhead

Q1 Playboy: Judging by the title of your latest book—Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea—we know your liquor of choice. Why is vodka a superior form of alcohol?

Chelsea Handler: Vodka is great because it doesn’t have an odor. If you drink rum or tequila, your breath will have a very distinct alcohol smell. I was looking for something a little more subtle because I don’t like to smell like a prostitute in the morning. Not that I’m worried about offending anybody. I’m usually alone when I wake up. You can’t fit two people into a bathtub. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a class act all the way. Klassy with a capital k.

Q2 Playboy: You sound like our kind of girl.

Handler: I drink often and I drink frequently, but I don’t really get drunk. I’m kind of immune to it. As long as you can handle your alcohol, you should be allowed to drink whatever you want, as often as you want. If you drink a certain amount and automatically turn into a loud, obnoxious loser, maybe you should stop. Because that’s not attractive.

Q3 Playboy: Your talk show, Chelsea Lately, is devoted to making fun of celebrities. Do you really care that much about Hollywood, or is it just an act?

Handler: It isn’t natural at all for me. Sometimes it’s fun, and sometimes it’s overkill. But because of Chelsea Lately I have to pollute my mind with that crap. It’s one thing to thumb through Us Weekly while you’re getting a manicure—that’s just a guilty pleasure—but it’s a whole different ball game when you come to your office every morning and all these tabloid magazines are piled on your desk, and it’s your job to read them. I just went on vacation and was reading Salman Rushdie’s Midnight’s Children, and I said to my boyfriend, “I think my mind is completely blown from doing the show. I just had to reread the last paragraph four times. I may be getting stupider.” And he said, “I’m sure you are, because you just used the word stupider.”

Q4 Playboy: If every young Hollywood celebrity sobered up, stopped going to nightclubs and started wearing panties, would you be out of work?

Handler: I think I’d be okay. Even if Hollywood disappeared tomorrow, it’s not as if the human race would become better behaved. If anything, we’re devolving as a society and a culture. As long as people keep acting like people and keep doing really, really idiotic things, I’ll always have job security.