In layman’s terms (if you’ll forgive the pun) they were faking it
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The word orgasm seems to appear on the front cover of women’s magazines more often than Victoria Beckham and cupcakes. So given the apparent ubiquity of the O-word, how is it that so few women seem to be having them?
How do we know the girls of Great Britain aren’t cumming? Thanks to a study released by the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Two scientists from the University of Leeds undertook a study involving 71 women (we think they should’ve asked 69) aged between 18 and 48 (because no one has sex before or after those ages – it’s a scientific fact). These sexually active women were asked a series of questions about the noises they made when they were doing it. As well as revealing whether they were more a “Yes! Yes! Yes!” girl or a grunter, it also asked them if they made their ‘special sounds’ when they came, and if not – why the hell they were making such a racket?
The answer was depressingly predictable. According to one of the scientists, 80 per cent of the women surveyed, “were making conscious vocalizations in order to influence their partner rather than as a direct expression of sexual arousal.” In layman’s terms (if you’ll forgive the pun) they were faking it.
Even more women admitted to using sex noises as a way to boost their partner’s ego.
And if this weren’t disheartening enough, other reasons given for simulating orgasm ranged from wanting to speed up their fella’s ejaculation, to wishing to end their own discomfort, to simple boredom.
How can it be that after so many decades of feminism and sexual liberation, and after what must be hundreds of thousands of articles written in the aforementioned women’s magazines about how to enhance their sexual pleasure, we appear to still be living in some terrible sexual dark age where the man gets on top and thrusts away while the women does her best to seem like she’s enjoying it?
But why should we worry? To quote the old sexist joke: Q. How do you give a woman an orgasm? A. Who cares. Well, for the simple reason that being good at sex gets you more sex. If you’ve ever sat and wondered why nice girls love bastards, they don’t. But they do love bastards who can make them cum. And if this percentage of fakers is really representative of the nation then your sack skills could put you in real demand.
And it’s really not so difficult to give a woman an orgasm. Seriously, it’s not. But you are gonna have to read up on the subject and put some practice in. And why shouldn’t you? You studied hard for your degree? You like to think you’re an amazing driver. You’ve worked hard at honing your golf game… Well you think about shagging even more than you think about any of those; so why not become the best at oral, mutual masturbation and fucking?
But maybe you can’t be arsed. Perhaps you’re more of a couch potato or a gaming geek. Well if you can name the first episode of Doctor Who that featured the Sontarans, and know where to find the hidden weapons in Metal Gear Solid then you already have an advantage over those who just climb on, stick it in and hope for the best. Learning where the clitoris is and what to do to it to have her genuinely screaming the house down is easy by comparison. And once you know you’re master of the clit, you won’t need your ego boosted by her pretend squeals. You’ll feel as cocky as hell.
So how do you know her moans are genuine? Interestingly the survey also revealed that many of the women made no sound at all when they came, especially during oral sex (when they were most aroused and prone to orgasm). Of course, her silence could mean she’s got so bored she’s gone to sleep. But there are often physical signs that we believe even the most impatient girl wouldn’t be able to fake.
Watch for a shudder that seems to run right through them. That’s always a good sign you’ve hit the spot. Some girls will buck like a mule, thrusting their hips into the air as their vaginal muscles spasm (you’ll be able to feel that for sure). Others will tense suddenly then completely relax. Almost all will want you to stop what you’re doing immediately as the entire vulva becomes far too sensitive to tolerate more stimulus. If she’s faking it she’ll be able to let you keep hopelessly fingering or fucking away. If she’s really cum then she’ll try to shove you away immediately (the few times in life where a woman pushing you away is a good sign).
There are other signs, of course. If you’re very lucky she’ll experience female ejaculation. But despite the number of videos you’ve watched that make this seem commonplace, it’s quite rare. So the best judge as to whether she’s satisfied is how she is with you afterwards. Asking if you remembered to buy bin liners = fail. Lolling about in a daze like she’s just smoked Bob Marley’s secret stash = success.
But it takes two to tango, and we can’t help feeling that if a woman hasn’t the gumption (or is too concerned about your ego) to tell you how she’d like to be fucked then it’s really her problem not yours. Unless you’re faking it too, in which case we just can’t help you.
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The word orgasm seems to appear on the front cover of women’s magazines more often than Victoria Beckham and cupcakes. So given the apparent ubiquity of the O-word, how is it that so few women seem to be having them?
How do we know the girls of Great Britain aren’t cumming? Thanks to a study released by the Archives of Sexual Behavior. Two scientists from the University of Leeds undertook a study involving 71 women (we think they should’ve asked 69) aged between 18 and 48 (because no one has sex before or after those ages – it’s a scientific fact). These sexually active women were asked a series of questions about the noises they made when they were doing it. As well as revealing whether they were more a “Yes! Yes! Yes!” girl or a grunter, it also asked them if they made their ‘special sounds’ when they came, and if not – why the hell they were making such a racket?
The answer was depressingly predictable. According to one of the scientists, 80 per cent of the women surveyed, “were making conscious vocalizations in order to influence their partner rather than as a direct expression of sexual arousal.” In layman’s terms (if you’ll forgive the pun) they were faking it.
Even more women admitted to using sex noises as a way to boost their partner’s ego.
And if this weren’t disheartening enough, other reasons given for simulating orgasm ranged from wanting to speed up their fella’s ejaculation, to wishing to end their own discomfort, to simple boredom.
How can it be that after so many decades of feminism and sexual liberation, and after what must be hundreds of thousands of articles written in the aforementioned women’s magazines about how to enhance their sexual pleasure, we appear to still be living in some terrible sexual dark age where the man gets on top and thrusts away while the women does her best to seem like she’s enjoying it?
But why should we worry? To quote the old sexist joke: Q. How do you give a woman an orgasm? A. Who cares. Well, for the simple reason that being good at sex gets you more sex. If you’ve ever sat and wondered why nice girls love bastards, they don’t. But they do love bastards who can make them cum. And if this percentage of fakers is really representative of the nation then your sack skills could put you in real demand.
And it’s really not so difficult to give a woman an orgasm. Seriously, it’s not. But you are gonna have to read up on the subject and put some practice in. And why shouldn’t you? You studied hard for your degree? You like to think you’re an amazing driver. You’ve worked hard at honing your golf game… Well you think about shagging even more than you think about any of those; so why not become the best at oral, mutual masturbation and fucking?
But maybe you can’t be arsed. Perhaps you’re more of a couch potato or a gaming geek. Well if you can name the first episode of Doctor Who that featured the Sontarans, and know where to find the hidden weapons in Metal Gear Solid then you already have an advantage over those who just climb on, stick it in and hope for the best. Learning where the clitoris is and what to do to it to have her genuinely screaming the house down is easy by comparison. And once you know you’re master of the clit, you won’t need your ego boosted by her pretend squeals. You’ll feel as cocky as hell.
So how do you know her moans are genuine? Interestingly the survey also revealed that many of the women made no sound at all when they came, especially during oral sex (when they were most aroused and prone to orgasm). Of course, her silence could mean she’s got so bored she’s gone to sleep. But there are often physical signs that we believe even the most impatient girl wouldn’t be able to fake.
Watch for a shudder that seems to run right through them. That’s always a good sign you’ve hit the spot. Some girls will buck like a mule, thrusting their hips into the air as their vaginal muscles spasm (you’ll be able to feel that for sure). Others will tense suddenly then completely relax. Almost all will want you to stop what you’re doing immediately as the entire vulva becomes far too sensitive to tolerate more stimulus. If she’s faking it she’ll be able to let you keep hopelessly fingering or fucking away. If she’s really cum then she’ll try to shove you away immediately (the few times in life where a woman pushing you away is a good sign).
There are other signs, of course. If you’re very lucky she’ll experience female ejaculation. But despite the number of videos you’ve watched that make this seem commonplace, it’s quite rare. So the best judge as to whether she’s satisfied is how she is with you afterwards. Asking if you remembered to buy bin liners = fail. Lolling about in a daze like she’s just smoked Bob Marley’s secret stash = success.
But it takes two to tango, and we can’t help feeling that if a woman hasn’t the gumption (or is too concerned about your ego) to tell you how she’d like to be fucked then it’s really her problem not yours. Unless you’re faking it too, in which case we just can’t help you.
You may also be interested in:
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