So you want to make a sex tape. And why wouldn’t you? After all, it’s the real reason you asked for that handheld, digital HD camera for Christmas (even though you said it was to capture your sister’s wedding). And with the financial crisis showing no signs of lifting, homemade naughty videos are not only a credit-crunch beating way to save money on adult movies, but a completely free fun-filled night.

As with many things in life, we can learn a lot about how to make the perfect sex tape from celebrities. Before tiny dogs, Botox and Scientology, famous faces (and famous arses) seemingly enjoyed nothing more than filming themselves frantically knobbing, only to find that film mysteriously released into the public domain. We’re not saying you should post your erotic exploits on the internet, or try and turn your amateur activities into a cottage porn industry, but you might learn a thing or two from those big names who have.

Lesson 1
Location, location, location

Sorry, the title doesn’t refer to a previously unknown sex tape of Kirsty and Phil (if only). It’s important to choose carefully where you shoot yourself shooting your load, if you want the end results to be a turn on to the viewer (even if that’s just you and your other half). It may seem logical to film in the bedroom but if your bedroom is anything like the average Brit’s, the impact of your cinematic sexual debut will be somewhat dampened by the sight of a knobbly bedspread, Bagpuss alarm clock and half-read Dan Brown novel. A hotel is preferable as a bed-based location, though be sure to hang the Do Not Disturb sign on the door because in real life the unexpected entrance of a chambermaid does not result in a threesome – just a scream of embarrassment (or repulsion!)

When it comes to location, Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee really pushed the boat out for their infamous 1995 sex tape, by quite literally doing it on a boat. This was exotic, adventurous and, of course, completely private. If you have the cash and the nautical knowhow then you too can make your own sexy Pirates of the Caribbean (incidentally, the professional porn tribute to that box office swashbuckler, Pirates XXX is the most expensive adult movie ever made). Though don’t think the pedalos in the local park’s lake make a suitable substitute for an ocean bound yacht. Indecent exposure is an offence (as is frightening the ducks).

Lesson 2
Acting, darling.

Unless you and your partner are trained thespians, we recommend cutting out any introductory scene-setting in your movie. It will not enhance your viewing pleasure to see yourself hamming your way through the role of ‘visiting handyman’ before nailing the missus. But neither should you take for granted that the natural act of love making will make for several minutes of stimulating screen time, if you don’t put a little bit of effort into it.

Returning to Pammy and Tommy for one moment, their stolen honeymoon film (for which the couple eventually secured a $1.5 million fee, plus royalties) may have allowed us to see a whole new side to Ms Anderson but, if we’re honest, she looks thoroughly jaded throughout the proceedings. It’s as if she’s thinking “Been there, seen that, done it in several different positions”, which is worrying since the pair had known each other less than a week before they got hitched and rolled camera. If only Tommy had stopped saying “awesome” for a moment to give her some direction. An orgasmic scream wouldn’t have gone a miss, even if she was faking. That’s all acting is and she’s proved more than capable of convincing an audience with her subtle and nuanced performance in Baywatch. Well, perhaps not. Barb Wire? Hmm. Perhaps her experience in Wimbeldon’s pantomime last year will help her with any future sex tape appearances: “He’s behind you!” (Stop booing, it was either that or make a joke about getting Aladdin.)

Lesson 3
Watch where you’re pointing that thing

With the arrival of ever tinnier cameras there’s no limit to the imaginative and gynecological angles you can capture on your sex tape. Gone are the days when, like 2006 Big Brother contestant Imogen Thomas, you had to make do with a static shot from a tripod as her and her boyfriend got on with the task and ignored Davina’s request not to swear. But do keep in mind the composition of your money shot. The wrong angle can be a terrible turn off as anyone who has seen the video of best-selling author Katie Price and her then boyfriend Dane Bowers will testify. The Celebrity Big Brother contestant is certainly imaginative in his choice of camera angle, but any arousal we might get from seeing Jordan up close and personal is lost as his hairy domed belly looms into view. Though that’s nothing compared to the toe-job in the Jacuzzi scene (we hear they never did find that corn plaster.)