Dirty talk

It’s good to talk. It’s even better to talk dirty. A well-timed, well-aimed bit of smut whispered in your dear heart’s ear can have explosive results; a sure way to spice up the evening’s entertainment. Get your timing wrong though, or overdo the rude stuff, and you could easily end up getting thumped for your troubles (or, even worse, see your intended collapse in a fit of uncontrollable giggles). No point in getting all crude and lewd if the recipient of your passionate wordplay is busy changing the cat litter tray.

So what are the golden rules of getting good and grubby, the do’s and don’ts of dirt? The big no-no seems to be talking dirty simply because it’s something that you think you should be doing, rather than because you actually want to; it’s only going to work if it sounds hot-blooded and genuine (even better if it sounds impulsive and is all totally unexpected). Equally, do make sure first that your partner’s happy with a little bit of muck every now and again; there’s no easy way around this one, you just have to come right out and ask her (maybe over a bottle or two of wine). Certainly sex education expert Dr Petra Boynton cautions against just rushing in and swearing a lot: “The major mistake men make here is to read somewhere that talking dirty is something all women like and assuming it's a turn on for all women. And then to just start saying rude stuff.”

Saying ‘rude stuff’ doesn’t just mean a potty-mouthed declaration of your carnal longings; you can be explicit without the expletives. There’s a balance to be struck here: the best trick is to still actually leave a little bit to the imagination. The most effective approach is to say what you’re going to do, to promise a night of good and healthy filthy fun (but hey, just make sure it’s a promise that you can keep). Dr Petra explains: “What often comes across as a cliché are lines that sound like you're just copying the last bit of porn you watched, or that suggest you're not really connecting to your partner. You can avoid this by describing what you're doing and why you like it and how it makes you feel, and what you want to do next and invite your partner to share the same - that's particularly useful if you're shy or uncertain of where to start.”

There are, of course, two very different levels to dirty chat, with the above being the softer approach. The more creative you can get, the less clichéd it sounds. This involves coming up with your own alternatives to sex nouns and adjectives, although we warn you against using Iambic pentameters unless your name is Russell Brand (there’s nothing sexy about a ‘cocky wocky’). Instead, try and choose something personal between the both you like a naughty in-joke. The harder approach, where some of the smuttiest, graphic language you can think of is spilled, should be exercised with caution. The best idea is to start out softly, listen and work out whether she’d be up for the harder stuff. Ironically enough, this sort of direction is less likely to get you laughed at.

If the thought of all of this has got you feeling entirely muted, you might be more easily persuaded to start with text sex. Surely every girl loves to receive a racy SMS while sitting bored at their desk on a rainy Tuesday afternoon (no ‘text speak’ though please chaps, none of that “U R GR8” nonsense)?

And, let’s be honest, it’s a great way of avoiding any embarrassment - plus they can’t hit you if you’re not actually in the same room as them.

“Yes, texting can be great, providing you time it right,” agrees Doctor Petra. “One thing to note is some 'sexperts' advise you to text during the day to keep things simmering for the night ahead. Which can work, but sometimes by the evening you've gone off the boil. So you can't ever assume saucy chat always must end in, or is an automatic invitation for, sex. It can be something just naughty for the sake of it, or signify something ruder's going to happen later.”

Make sure you send the message to the right person though.

And another thing to be warned bout; once you’ve demonstrated your appetite for ‘chat’, who knows where it might end? It could even lead to ‘the big relationship  talk’, in which case the dirty stuff may suddenly be seeming far less scary!

For more information about the work of Dr Petra Boynton visit www.drpetra.co.uk