How to abide by the secret relationship rules set by women…

At the recent Microsoft Bing party, rap superstar Jay-Z refused to have his photograph taken with scantily clad Victoria’s Secret models out of, he says, respect for his wife Beyonce.

He’s a smart man. What the Hova has shown here is that he understands the way his wife thinks and has successfully pre-empted one almighty huff. A less intelligent man might have posed for the photographs and then attempted to patch up the resulting almighty rift with explanatory or apologetic words. Ha. Women laugh at your words.

However, if Jay-Z really understands the code of women then he must also visit Victoria’s Secret stores and buy her some sexy undies. It’s a simple rule but one so few men understand: buying Victoria’s Secret underwear = good. Being anywhere near another woman wearing Victoria’s Secret underwear = bad.

But as we said, that’s an easy one. But no man has ever truly cracked the code. Because despite what bestselling author John Grey would have us believe, women are not from Venus. They’re from Earth, just like us, but they know a secret code that men have never been privy to. If you think back to that time when girls wouldn’t talk to you at school, and would instead huddle in large groups occasionally looking over in your direction and giggling. Well that’s when they were passing on the code, and coming up with as many ways as possible to ensure you will never, ever crack it. They were fucking with you then, they are fucking with you now, and they will forever be fucking with you. That’s because they are smarter than us. And they smell nicer. They have won, get over it.

However, some crack operatives have returned from the scene of many a disastrous relationship with vital information we’ve been able to use, if not to crack the code then certainly to piece bits of it together into enough of a discernable shape as to avoid making some of the classic mistakes. Here’s a sample of what’s been learned…

There is no correct answer to the question: Do you think my friend’s attractive? This is, as we’re sure you’ve discovered at your cost, a trap. If you naively answer no, thinking that’s what she wants to hear, you will be labelled a shallow, cruel, myopic bastard. And you will never hear the end of it. “She’s beautiful!” your partner will sob, somehow making the connection between you thinking her friend is ugly and you thinking she is ugly. We don’t yet know why this connection is made, just accept that it will be and duck for cover.

Of course, the worst thing you could do here would be to be honest and say that yes, her friend was indeed attractive. You’ll be sleeping on the sofa for a week and the fact that you “fancy” her friend will be brought up and used in various ways against you for the rest of your natural born life. You will instantly regret ever acknowledging the very possibility that another human being could be considered attractive.

If you think you have the smarts for it you could try, “I can see that some men would find her attractive but she’s not really my type and while she’s obviously pretty she’s not as pretty as you.” But we’ve never met a woman yet who won’t know you’re bullshitting through your teeth. Your best bet is a non-committal, “I haven’t really thought about it,” then get the hell out of the house until the subject is far from her mind.

Sometimes the question can seem so innocuous that a man just doesn’t see it coming. Even Stephen Hawking has been unable to fathom what the correct answer to the question, “What should I wear tonight?” is supposed to be. All we can be sure of is that no man has ever given it, and the question has never resulted in anything less than a shit storm of Afghan war proportions. And with a lot more crying.